Remembered

It is amazing to me at certain times that I remember things from my past. Things I have wanted to forget. People seem to want to erase certain things and I understand that, but what if God is trying to show you something or help you get stronger by letting those things come to mind?

I can still remember when I was younger and people would tease me. It wasn’t just the normal “Four eyes” things when I got my glasses. It was the words that stung like…”You’re ugly.” “You’re fat.” “Blimp.” “Whale.” Etc. Words used to tear and rip at my heart. I felt about as big as a flea.

The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words well never hurt me” is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. People tell us to forget or shake off the words, but it is hard when the words have gone so deep that the piece of glass that was thrown into our hearts with the words gets wedged into the flesh.

If you remove the piece of glass, the heart will bleed. If you don’t, the heart will cover it up and removing the piece of glass later will be even harder.

Thankfully, there is hope. His name is Jesus Christ.

See, Jesus will help take the piece of glass out and  repair the heart. You may ask, how do you know? I know because Jesus healed my heart and is still helping me to be renewed.

I didn’t just get teased when I was growing up. Lots of other things happened, too. I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, and spiritually abused by my father and his father (the grandfather who sexually abused me). I know what it is like to feel like your so small…how can a God that’s so big see you. I know what it feels like when no one in the world knows what I know or understands me. I know what it is like to look at someone and wonder…do they see the sadness in my eyes?

I remember feeling like every person so my insides…could see what these two men in my life did to me. Everyone could see the shame and guilt. And I wanted it to go away! I wanted to feel ‘normal’.

I remember when I would look at a guy when I was 13 or when I was 15 or when I was 18 or 20, and I couldn’t look them in the eye. I bet they wondered what was with me. Maybe to them I was weird, a freak because they didn’t know.

I was easier for me to not tell anyone anything. So much hurt…so much pain. I can see it all. I remember most of my childhood and tears come to my eyes because of how much I wanted to be like any other girl. Smiling and laughing. I hid my hurt and shame and guilt well. I had lost my innocence and I wanted it back.

But then, I remember the good times. Times playing waitress with my grandma (she’s the one who told me about Jesus). Times when I laughed with my dad. I can’t really remember any good times with my grandpa. It is all clouded over with the hurt and pain.

I remember…it’s okay. To forget is hard…to not forgive is torture. To forgive is hard, but in the end it is all worth it.

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