Oct. 13th 2013

Oct. 13, 2013

 

It’s raining again. I’ve just skimmed and read the first chapter of “You’re Already Amazing” and I realized something. I don’t know the last time I sat and talked with a close friend. I don’t even know if I really have one.

 

Sure. My husband is my closest, best friend, but I don’t really think I have a friend, another woman who I talk to and it hurts. When I was reading about the author asking her friends out for coffee, I tried to remember the last time someone asked me to spend some girl time one-on-one with them. It has been probably four years or more.

 

No wonder I feel like I don’t have any close, female friends. They have either moved away or live so far way from me. Or do those around me think I have close friends already?

 

Well, I don’t. It’s a part of me that seems so empty. I’m left out of the group. I don’t know how to join because some people have been friends for so long that I don’t want to intrude. Besides, what could I possibly offer that they don’t already get from someone else?

 

So, I stand on the outside looking in. Feeling so alone and vulnerable.

 

Would someone come and be my friend? You know…someone I share my struggles with. Who I can be totally honest with and open like I am here in my diary (blog). Someone who I can share my joy with, my sorrow with, and my dreams with.

 

I’d like that. I’d like them to share those things with me, too.

 

But where do I find such a person?

 

I’m like a floating piece of driftwood. I go floating by and no one seems to notice how lonely I can get.

 

No wonder I can’t see my worth. I can’t feel like I’m enough to have as a friend.

 

People would say…don’t find your worth in others or things. Yes, but do you have friends? Do you meet and spend time with your friends? If so, you don’t know where I’m coming from.

 

For most of the time that I have written this, I was crying. Am I not enough to be a friend to someone? :(

 

God, I could really use a friend. Is that okay? I’m so hurt and broken. The page is blurred again. I feel alone and I don’t see a way out. So please could you please help. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong, like I’m not enough, that I’m so not friend material.

 

Shhhhhh…it isn’t a secret anymore. My heart is torn and it’s uncovered, showing everything. I’m so vulnerable. Anyone could hurt me right now, but God, I know You are holding me in Your arms. You aren’t so far away, and You understand this cry of my heart.

 

I leave it at Your feet to do as You will. I am broken. I am torn. I am healing. I am crying. I am me. Your little girl desperate to be wanted and needed. Desperate to be enough.

Oct. 12th, 2013

Note: This is my diary entry from yesterday when I started reading a book called “You’re Already Amazing” by Holley Gerth. A friend on facebook at recommended this book and I already had it! So I didn’t need to buy it. God KNEW I needed to read it!

 

Oct. 12th, 2013

 

Well, I’ve only gotten through the Intro “The Dare…” in “You’re Already Amazing” and I started crying! A little :) I didn’t even get through one page of the chapter without crying!

 

Chapter 1 answers to the “study” questions: (I’m sharing this so you can see how this book is affecting me. I’m not trying to do anything that is wrong or illegal! :S lol)

 

1. If you had coffee with a close friend today and she asked how we were really doing, what would you say?

Broken. Beat. Tired. I get exhausted hearing all the things that some women can do in one day. Like I’m in pieces…not whole. Hurt and pain-Physical pain and emotional pain run rampant. I can’t even say it all for fear of not being seen as my usual cheery self. I’m wearing a mask at times to cover my anguish.

 

2. Which story at the beginning of the chapter did you relate to the most?

The counseling client I think I relate to most. (She had the “voice” telling her she would never be enough!)

 

3. Do you ever feel pressure to be like women in the media? Share one example.

Yes. The ones that seem to have it all…husband, kids, career, etc…they seem to have it all together and are perfect. The ones I’m so far away from being like them. I could never measure up!

 

4. “She is______________.” Fill in the blank with a few words your heart most needs to hear today.

She is loved.

She is enough.

She is beautiful.

She is wanted.

She is chosen.

She is called.

 

 

5. “Most people don’t, but I….” Finish the sentence.

Most people don’t, but I find joy even in the little things of life, of creation.

Most people don’t, but I write most if not all my feelings down.

Most people don’t, but I try to encourage people even if they haven’t asked for it.

Most people don’t, but I try to be who God wants me to be even if I have to remove the mask daily, I will.

 

6. Write a prayer asking God to heal your heart and make something unexpectedly beautiful out of your hurts.

Father God, You know my hurts, my heart. You know how broken I can be. Please heal my heart. Make it whole even if the pieces are put back in such a way that people can see the “damage.” I ask that You bring something unexpectedly beautiful-beauty from ashes-from this broken heart of mine. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

 

7. Read Psalm 139 and write a prayer that includes phrases from it below.

Father God, You have searched me and know(n) me! Nothing is hidden from You. Yes, God, I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Help me to grasp what these words mean and to realize that I AM enough! I pray this in Jesus’ name, Amen!

If You Only Knew…

If you wish to not read these things, that’s fine. I am sharing these things because I want to do so. I don’t need advice or how to solve my situation. I have heard plenty of times that God has a plan. I know!

 

Who am I to say that God’s plan is imperfect?What He does is always perfect. His will is to be obeyed.

 

I know I am not always thinking how perfect Your plan is, God, but I now it to be so. Am I so discontented that I have to try and make what I want or wish to happen occur in my time? Like I know what is best more than You! I truly don’t know! I am not You. I can’t see what You can. Help me to always remember that.

 

With that being said, sometimes I could really use a BEA meeting. BEA stand for Baby Envy Anonymous.

 

I’m going to be real here, not like I haven’t been from the beginning. Every time I hear or read about someone I know who is pregnant two emotions come, every time! Happiness for them. Sadness.

 

Yes, I have baby envy. I want children! I want everything that goes along with them.

 

And no one understands these feelings except God. You have no idea what it is like for me. I smile sweetly, but inside I’m crying.

 

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE! This is ALL my struggle!

 

And so I pour out my heart to God in sorrow, pain, and tears. Collect them. Store them. And when my hope becomes reality, I will cry tears of joy.

 

 

Far away from here, in my dream world, I am a mommy of 8 children (yes I said 8 children!).

 

I can hear them run in the house, their little feet making “pitter patter” noises on the floor. And I wonder how much longer I must wait.

 

God, help me be patient and content with what I have.

 

How can I long for something so much?

 

God, help me to realize if even my longing for children takes Your place in my heart!

 

For I love You most of all!

 

 

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

 

“The Bible is the Christian’s blue print for life.”

~Author Unknown~

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

 

“God calls into action today

All those who are children of light;

Whatever our hand finds to do,

Let’s do it with all of our might.”

~Hess~

 

“We are at our best when we are serving others.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Help me to serve others.

 

Amen.

Monday, May 7th 2012

Monday, May 7th 2012

 

“In our microwave world, we want everything done instantaneously, but sometimes that’s not God’s plan. Let’s seek God’s help and learn to accept His timing.”

~Dave Branon~

 

“He does not lead me year by year,

Nor even day by day;

But step by step my path unfolds;

My Lord directs my way.”

~Ryberg~

 

“God’s time table may move slowly, but it does move surely.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Thank You for guiding my path step by step.

 

Amen.

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

 

“If you’re feeling tat you’ve wandered too far away from God and that He is through with you, it’s time to embrace the truth. Will you accept the Father’s invitation to turn and live today?”

~David McCasland~

 

“If you’ve rebelled and turned away

From what you know is true,

Turn back to God-He will forgive;

He waits to pardon you.”

~Sper~

 

“To enjoy the future accept God’s forgiveness for the past.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Thank You for Your forgiveness.

 

Amen.

Saturday, May 5th, 2012

Saturday, May 5th, 2012

 

“My heart overflows-the grace He provdes

Is just what I need for my care;

It’s all I could ask, whatever the task,

Whatever the burden I bear.”

~Anon.~

 

“God’s timing is always right.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Yes, Your timing is always right. Help me to remember that and to always see Your will as the only way. Help me to also take what people think is helpful words and remain in Your will. My trust is in You, Oh Lord.

 

Amen.

 

 

Friday, May 4th, 2012

Friday, May 4th, 2012

 

“Field and forest, vale and mountain,

Flow’ry meadow, flashing sea,

Soaring bird and flowing fountain

Call us to rejoice in Thee.”

~van Dyke~

 

“The design of creation points to the Master Designer.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

Amen!

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

 

“Someone once said tongue-in-cheek, “Why pray when you can worry?” The point is clear: Worry gets us nowhere, but prayer gets us in touch with The One who can handle all of our concerns.”

~Jennifer Benson Schuldt~

 

“When you feel the tension mounting,

And across the busy day,

Only gloomy clouds are drifting

As you start to worry-pray!”

~Anon.~

 

“It’s impossible to wring our hands when they are folded before God in prayer.”

~Author Unknown~

 

 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Thank You!

 

Amen.