Oct. 13th 2013

Oct. 13, 2013

 

It’s raining again. I’ve just skimmed and read the first chapter of “You’re Already Amazing” and I realized something. I don’t know the last time I sat and talked with a close friend. I don’t even know if I really have one.

 

Sure. My husband is my closest, best friend, but I don’t really think I have a friend, another woman who I talk to and it hurts. When I was reading about the author asking her friends out for coffee, I tried to remember the last time someone asked me to spend some girl time one-on-one with them. It has been probably four years or more.

 

No wonder I feel like I don’t have any close, female friends. They have either moved away or live so far way from me. Or do those around me think I have close friends already?

 

Well, I don’t. It’s a part of me that seems so empty. I’m left out of the group. I don’t know how to join because some people have been friends for so long that I don’t want to intrude. Besides, what could I possibly offer that they don’t already get from someone else?

 

So, I stand on the outside looking in. Feeling so alone and vulnerable.

 

Would someone come and be my friend? You know…someone I share my struggles with. Who I can be totally honest with and open like I am here in my diary (blog). Someone who I can share my joy with, my sorrow with, and my dreams with.

 

I’d like that. I’d like them to share those things with me, too.

 

But where do I find such a person?

 

I’m like a floating piece of driftwood. I go floating by and no one seems to notice how lonely I can get.

 

No wonder I can’t see my worth. I can’t feel like I’m enough to have as a friend.

 

People would say…don’t find your worth in others or things. Yes, but do you have friends? Do you meet and spend time with your friends? If so, you don’t know where I’m coming from.

 

For most of the time that I have written this, I was crying. Am I not enough to be a friend to someone? :(

 

God, I could really use a friend. Is that okay? I’m so hurt and broken. The page is blurred again. I feel alone and I don’t see a way out. So please could you please help. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong, like I’m not enough, that I’m so not friend material.

 

Shhhhhh…it isn’t a secret anymore. My heart is torn and it’s uncovered, showing everything. I’m so vulnerable. Anyone could hurt me right now, but God, I know You are holding me in Your arms. You aren’t so far away, and You understand this cry of my heart.

 

I leave it at Your feet to do as You will. I am broken. I am torn. I am healing. I am crying. I am me. Your little girl desperate to be wanted and needed. Desperate to be enough.

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