Baby Wait (personal info)

If you are a long time friend or my husband, you know that I have been waiting sometimes patiently, but mostly impatiently for God to bless me with children.

In the past year or so, I have learned some things about myself. The GYN/OB I go to says I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). That means that sometimes I don’t have my monthly period and when I don’t, I bleed excessively the next month or so. I don’t ovulate. The symptom list goes on and on, but I won’t bore you with that here. Go look it up for yourself.

I have been waiting for as long as I can remember for children. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of my own children and what we would do. When I was a teen, I still dreamed. When I was in my twenties, I even made a list of names for my children. I still have that list of eight names, four boy names and four girl names.

When I meant Ben, I didn’t even know that one of my boy names was his and his father’s-Benjamin Luke. It was almost a ‘sign’ to me that maybe I would have children.

As the years go by and my thirtieth birthday comes closer…and my mind feels like my dream…my waiting is for naught. But I still pray for children every day, almost daily.

When I hear someone is pregnant or has just given birth to their baby, it is a bittersweet thing for me. I am truly happy for that person and the family, but I have this ache in me that doesn’t subside. I cry out to God and say “Why not me? Where’s my child?”

I have thought of children and I lay down my future on the altar, but it is hard for me. I even said I would give up having children if that was what God has in mind for me once at my church’s altar. I just wanted this yearning that eats at my strength and my peace to be gone. I can barely stand this wanting and waiting anymore. I wonder if I will ever be free from it.

I know that God is there for me, but I can’t help the way I feel. I smile and coo at a baby and my mind wonders. Will I ever feel a baby move inside me? Will I ever hear a little voice call me “Mommy”?

Please, don’t tell me you know how I feel if you have never been in my place. I am not sure what is worse…being pregnant and losing it due to miscarriage or never being pregnant and never having that special ‘knowing’ and feeling.

Some women say they don’t have the motherly instincts. God placed them in every woman. They are there. Some just don’t tap into them. I just pray that I will be able to use them on my biological children and/or on adopted children.

Father God, multiple times I have given you this situation. Again I give it to you. I know you have a plan for me and Ben. Help me to be at peace and to trust your will. In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

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