Archive for February, 2010

Blab

I haven’t written in about five days. Not much to write really. Just normal every day kind of stuff going on.

Ben and I are just going about our normal things. He works in his office and I do stuff, too. Ben ordered a thing that counts my steps so that should arrive soon. I’m excited about it.

I really want to lose weight. I think it I try to take about 1,000 steps a day, that would be good. I sit at my computer too much!

Anyone else out there that sits at their desk too much? :-S

I guess that’s it for now. Like I said, not much to tell.

Though on February 17th, Bailey, my newest niece was born to my brother and sister-in-law. So, yeah.

It was hard to see the pictures. Read the post about Waiting for Baby or something like that.

Well, I’m gone. See you later.

Baby Wait (personal info)

If you are a long time friend or my husband, you know that I have been waiting sometimes patiently, but mostly impatiently for God to bless me with children.

In the past year or so, I have learned some things about myself. The GYN/OB I go to says I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). That means that sometimes I don’t have my monthly period and when I don’t, I bleed excessively the next month or so. I don’t ovulate. The symptom list goes on and on, but I won’t bore you with that here. Go look it up for yourself.

I have been waiting for as long as I can remember for children. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of my own children and what we would do. When I was a teen, I still dreamed. When I was in my twenties, I even made a list of names for my children. I still have that list of eight names, four boy names and four girl names.

When I meant Ben, I didn’t even know that one of my boy names was his and his father’s-Benjamin Luke. It was almost a ‘sign’ to me that maybe I would have children.

As the years go by and my thirtieth birthday comes closer…and my mind feels like my dream…my waiting is for naught. But I still pray for children every day, almost daily.

When I hear someone is pregnant or has just given birth to their baby, it is a bittersweet thing for me. I am truly happy for that person and the family, but I have this ache in me that doesn’t subside. I cry out to God and say “Why not me? Where’s my child?”

I have thought of children and I lay down my future on the altar, but it is hard for me. I even said I would give up having children if that was what God has in mind for me once at my church’s altar. I just wanted this yearning that eats at my strength and my peace to be gone. I can barely stand this wanting and waiting anymore. I wonder if I will ever be free from it.

I know that God is there for me, but I can’t help the way I feel. I smile and coo at a baby and my mind wonders. Will I ever feel a baby move inside me? Will I ever hear a little voice call me “Mommy”?

Please, don’t tell me you know how I feel if you have never been in my place. I am not sure what is worse…being pregnant and losing it due to miscarriage or never being pregnant and never having that special ‘knowing’ and feeling.

Some women say they don’t have the motherly instincts. God placed them in every woman. They are there. Some just don’t tap into them. I just pray that I will be able to use them on my biological children and/or on adopted children.

Father God, multiple times I have given you this situation. Again I give it to you. I know you have a plan for me and Ben. Help me to be at peace and to trust your will. In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

Remembered Part 2

The first part is a bit sadder than this one.

I remember when I met my first guy friend online in person. It went well, but there were things that I shouldn’t have let happen. We met over Spring/easter Break. And afterwards, nothing was the same. In June I believe it was, we went our separate ways. I have never heard from him since.

I remember the day I met Ben. I was in the PlusOne chatroom. We had a nice chat. We laughed a lot. He was different than the other guy. Ben was my second guy who showed interest in me other than as a friend, but I must admit, the first one wasn’t anything really special like Ben.

I remember the first time we talked on the phone, met face to face, held hands. I had never truly understood the things between men and women. At times I still don’t. When Ben and I held hands and just walked around campus, it was like electricity flowed from him to me and back again. I still get that feeling.

I remember our first real kiss. Ben had kissed my hand and my cheek, but never my lips. And then…:-) I won’t try to explain it. When did it happen? Our wedding day. Two years into our relationship.

So many things to remember…but I’ll save those for another time maybe.

Remembered

It is amazing to me at certain times that I remember things from my past. Things I have wanted to forget. People seem to want to erase certain things and I understand that, but what if God is trying to show you something or help you get stronger by letting those things come to mind?

I can still remember when I was younger and people would tease me. It wasn’t just the normal “Four eyes” things when I got my glasses. It was the words that stung like…”You’re ugly.” “You’re fat.” “Blimp.” “Whale.” Etc. Words used to tear and rip at my heart. I felt about as big as a flea.

The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words well never hurt me” is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. People tell us to forget or shake off the words, but it is hard when the words have gone so deep that the piece of glass that was thrown into our hearts with the words gets wedged into the flesh.

If you remove the piece of glass, the heart will bleed. If you don’t, the heart will cover it up and removing the piece of glass later will be even harder.

Thankfully, there is hope. His name is Jesus Christ.

See, Jesus will help take the piece of glass out and  repair the heart. You may ask, how do you know? I know because Jesus healed my heart and is still helping me to be renewed.

I didn’t just get teased when I was growing up. Lots of other things happened, too. I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, and spiritually abused by my father and his father (the grandfather who sexually abused me). I know what it is like to feel like your so small…how can a God that’s so big see you. I know what it feels like when no one in the world knows what I know or understands me. I know what it is like to look at someone and wonder…do they see the sadness in my eyes?

I remember feeling like every person so my insides…could see what these two men in my life did to me. Everyone could see the shame and guilt. And I wanted it to go away! I wanted to feel ‘normal’.

I remember when I would look at a guy when I was 13 or when I was 15 or when I was 18 or 20, and I couldn’t look them in the eye. I bet they wondered what was with me. Maybe to them I was weird, a freak because they didn’t know.

I was easier for me to not tell anyone anything. So much hurt…so much pain. I can see it all. I remember most of my childhood and tears come to my eyes because of how much I wanted to be like any other girl. Smiling and laughing. I hid my hurt and shame and guilt well. I had lost my innocence and I wanted it back.

But then, I remember the good times. Times playing waitress with my grandma (she’s the one who told me about Jesus). Times when I laughed with my dad. I can’t really remember any good times with my grandpa. It is all clouded over with the hurt and pain.

I remember…it’s okay. To forget is hard…to not forgive is torture. To forgive is hard, but in the end it is all worth it.

Crying in the Shower

I know I just wrote not too long ago…about two hours ago or so, but I wanted to share this, too.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I will sing and sometimes even cry. Today, as I was in the shower listening to music, Holy Spirit gave me utterance and I started to cry. Not just any crying. I mean anguish filled crying! I don’t even know why. But that isn’t the point, is it? There doesn’t always need to be a reason to cry. Crying without cause, is just as meaningful if not more so as crying with a cause.

The interesting thing about crying in the shower is that the water as it runs over you takes the tears away. The water washes you clean.

Thank you, Jesus, for unusual situations that make us think and savor your love for us. I love learning things from you.

Valentine’s Day 2010

Today is Valentine’s Day here and I must say, it is a great day to start a new blog! I’m really excited about it. I have another blogspot blog, but I don’t write on it much. I hope that this one will get more of my time to write journals/blogs and stuff.

I don’t know if you were wondering about the title I gave this blog. If so, I can tell you why I picked it. I wrote a poem called Penny Thoughts years ago and I thought this phrase would make a great title. Here’s the poem.

Penny Thoughts 

I met a man
not too long ago.
He seemed to have
a lot on his mind.

Nobody wanted to hear
what he had to say.
but I asked…

I want to know
what’s in your head.
Tell me, sir, what
is on your mind.
A dollar for your pocket
and a penny for your thoughts.

He said “I ain’t
got much to say.
I want the world
to know the Man upstairs.”

There was a twinkle in
his eye when he smiled.
He whispered “Jesus Loves You”.

Before I knew it,
He was gone and I’ve
never seen him since.

I wanted to know
what was in his head.
He told me what
was on his mind.
I gave a dollar for his pocket
and he gave me thoughts
worth more than a 
penny.


I guess that is all for this post. I’m gonna write another one soon. Like later today!